How I Roll

I don't bake.

Okay, I shouldn't say that. I do bake. And by"baking," I mean that I cut semi-uniform slices off some prepackaged log of dough, stick said slices in the oven, bake them for the X amount of minutes specified by the dough log's wrapper, then pretend like I slaved over them all day and force my husband to tell me how delicious the cookies are (even though he knows the truth).

And I "bake" maybe once a year. Twice, if I'm feeling super-ambitious. Usually, I'm not.

Tonight, I finally came to my senses and realized that there is no way in H-e-double-hockey-sticks that I will EVER bake ANYTHING that doesn't either come from a log of dough or a box mix. EH-VER. I detest "traditional" baking. Love to cook, hate to bake.

So, I thought it would be a great idea to clean out the cabinet above my stove.

The one that holds all the supplies I would need should I ever decide to bake something by way of a recipe.

HAHA!

Nothing is a better testament to the lack of baking that goes on in my house than the contents of that cabinet. Following is a list of what I discovered. When reading said list, please keep in mind that I'm serious when I say that I DO NOT bake. Unless otherwise noted, anything that is listed as "used" or "opened" was purchased, used, and placed in the cupboard by my mother. Who hasn't baked anything in this house in at least six years.

BAKING CUPBOARD CONTENTS:
1. Three (3) boxes of opened, half-used baking soda
2. One (1) bag of sugar
3. 1/4 bag of cornstarch
4. One (1) small ceramic crock that contained sugar so old it had cemented itself to the inside of the crock, probably left over from when my father would visit regularly -- years ago -- and use it in his coffee
5. One (1) bag of sugar, recently purchased by me
6. One (1) bag of flour, recently purchased by me (for the express purpose of coating chicken)
7. One (1) large canister of flour that had turned a lovely shade of what I'd classify as "french vanilla," and smelled like -- for lack of a better word -- butt
8. Two (2) half-used containers of cornmeal, complete with some kind of bug inhabiting them
9. 1/4 container of shortening with an expiration date of April 2006 that I seem to remember purchasing so I could make homemade hand salve for Christmas gifts. In 2005.
10. Set of mixing bowls in various sizes
11. Four (4) multi-purpose measuring cups that all serve the EXACT SAME function
12. One (1) random 1/2 cup measure that was part of a set that went to the Goodwill about three years ago
13. 1/2 container of baking powder
14. Three "mint condition" cheetos, left over from when my father would store his snacks above the stove. There hasn't been a bag of cheetos in my house in at least five or six years. Maybe more. These cheetos looked like they just fell out of their bag.
15. One (1) extra-large slow-cooker

The final kicker to the whole disgusting (yet amusing) ordeal was that when the aforementioned cheetos accidentally fell to the floor, my tail-less cat promptly ran over and ingested them as quickly as she could before the other cats (who had circled around her) could jump in and steal them from her. I can't wait to see what surprises await me when I clean the litter boxes.

The end result of all of this cleaning is that my "baking" cabinet has now been adjusted to fit my needs. It now houses just the basics. Four boxes of cake mix, some frosting, a few spices, sprinkles, the mixing and measuring stuff, the fresh sugar and flour, and the baking soda and baking powder (don't ask me why -- I just felt bad wasting it, I guess).

And now, I think I'll go and make some cookies....

JUST KIDDING!